I love listening to good music. Be it anything from Pachabel to Green Day, if it inspires me or brings out emotion, I have it in my CD player.
Sometimes I listen to a song, and the words are so perfect, they fit my feelings to a tee. I wish so much that I could write music like that. I feel it welling up inside of me, but I lack the talent to form the notes and words.
When Bill and I were at the ranch a few weeks ago, we were sitting on the swing at dusk, drinking lovely drinks and talking about everything under the sun. Bill is a man of very few words, but that evening the bourbon was flowing and the beauty of that place was just consuming us. He was opening up and gabbing, which is extremely unusual for him.
Cory came out to sit with us, and we got on the subject of music. That kid is musically gifted. He loves the coronet, and wants to play the guitar. He asked if he could get one. I will never forget what Bill said:
“Cory, I think some people are given the gift of making music. Some the gift of appreciating it. I wanted to play the guitar so bad when I was younger. I tried and tried to learn it, but I could never do it. I was so frustrated. I was just not talented enough to play. So I listen to it instead. You have the gift of being able to play music. I think a guitar would be great for you.”
I never knew that about my husband. I know every curve of his body, every birthmark, every mole. I know that every morning his alarm goes off, he hops out of bed, and I can listen and anticipate every move he makes in getting ready. The slide of the medicine cabinet door. The sound of the lid twisting off and the tumbling of pills as he shakes out his morning vitamin. I know precisely when the shower door will open, and the sound of the water being turned on. I can predict it all, down to him sitting on the side of the bed next to me to put on his socks.
But I never knew that he wanted to play the guitar.
What he described to Cory was exactly how I feel, and it made me think………..when you meet someone, and click with them, much of what attracts you to one another is a mystery. The puzzle fits together so perfectly, but you don’t know why. There is a hidden magnet. Thoughts and emotions that you share, but are unaware of.
I am in awe that after almost 19 years with this man, the mystery of his mind is still unfolding for me. I want to know everything about him. I want him to tell more stories like that. The little things that make him who he is today. I want to know the way his mind works.
This morning I went to get milk and the paper. On the way I turned on the CD player, and I listened to “Good Riddance” by Green Day. When I pulled back into the driveway, I gazed up at our house, and I heard:
“So take the photographs and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it’s worth it was worth all the while ”
and I cried because it was all just so amazing. Our life. What we have done. Where we have gone. The hardships, the joys, the sorrows. This new test that we are going through right now. It is all just too much to fathom. What we have created together is enormous. These kids, friends, and all the love. The music was saying everything I feel. It was worth it. Every bit. If I lost it all tomorrow, I would have all the memories tattooed in my mind. God has been trying to teach me that since the day that Bill reached across the table to me, to tell me something was wrong with him.
And then I remembered something else Bill said to me that night at the ranch. We were talking about his stroke and how we need to cut loose more often. With tears in his eyes he turned to me and said, his voice cracking with emotion, “Our life is changing again.”
“Another turning point – a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist – directs you where to go
So make the best of this test and don’t ask why
It’s not a question but a lesson learned in time
It’s something unpredictable but in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life ”