Through the years as we have moved hither and yon, I have made friends with some wonderful people. I would find a group that was meaningful to me and everything would click together and I would tell Billy “I think I found my people”.
Some of these people were agonizing to leave when we moved, because I loved them so. It hurt to the core each and every time we left. The last time, I withdrew from wanting to make new friends because I didn’t ever want to feel that kind of sadness ever again.
After 5 years of living here I started to let my guard down and started to meet people. So many, many nice folks in the world but when Mia started to surf, I met people who enjoyed the same things as our family and I slowly let the ice melt from my heart and made some new friends. I remember telling Billy “I think I found my people again”. I have this extended group of some of the best people I have ever met. And it is good.
We have now been here for 9 years and I find myself pulling back. The ice is creeping back in. There is not one single precipitating factor. Nothing anyone has done. Like many women, I have gone through a tough time the last 2 years since nearing and hitting 50, with some weird hormonal stuff going on in my body. Most days I am myself, but then spontaneous combustion happens and all hell breaks loose. It usually is the straw that breaks the camels back that ignites it, but when it blows, it blows. I don’t have patience for stuff that I used to which is very unlike me.
A week ago, we thought I had a miscarriage. It was exactly like all the others that I had , but at 50 it was down right mind numbing scary. I was terrified, sad and confused. I told my husband and 2 other people about it and then waited for the weekday to come so I could get in with my doctor. I went to the doctor and apparently have an almost 4 cm cyst on my ovary that if I understand right, quite possible threw things off a bit and made my body have something called decidual bleeding, where basically the lining of my ablated uterus was expelled. Along with it I get to have all the hormonal dysfunction of a pregnancy loss. It happened early last Saturday morning, so for the weekend my body was telling me that I was pregnant, not pregnant, pregnant, not pregnant. It was awesome bad. I didn’t find out until last Thursday what was going on and today I am just leveling out from all the crap, sort of.
This weekend as I was driving in the car, I had my music playing and the song “Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)” came on. This song is engrained in my heart and soul. I call it “our song”, meaning our families song. It can fling me back into the year 2006 like nothing else, and it is never a bad thing. For those of you who have followed this blog for over 12 years now, you know that 2006 was a tough one for us when Bill got sick. I won’t go into details, but like I have said before, there is nothing like an illness to bring clarity into your life. There is a fine line between what is important and what is not.
As I was driving and listening to this awesome song, that clarity hit. I thought “As much as I love them all, my friends back home were not my people. The ones in the town before were not. And these wonderful friends are not my people either. ”
My family. My husband. My children. Those are my people. They have been with me all along and always will be. You can have good friends and love them dearly, but when the chips come down, your family is your rock. When my self doubt and self worth falter as everyones does from time to time, all I have to do is look at my husband. If he can love me for almost 30 years, knows my heart better than anyone else in the world and after all that time can still tell me how much he likes me and loves me, in spite of my faults, then I know that all is okay. Nobody else matters.
Your family is the single most important thing that God has ever given to you. They are your people.
The rest is a bonus.