A little questionnaire

Are you a Stepford wife, or the antichrist?

1.  Your husband calls out to you from the other room , as you clean out drawers and closets, , "The baby is crying and wants down from her highchair".  You:

a.  Say "Oh, thank you for letting me know, I will be right there!"

b.  Say, "Is that an announcement, or do you want me to stop what I am doing and come get her, even though you are sitting right beside her"

2.  Your child knocks over and spills a pitcher of milk all over your waxed oak floors as he WALKS across the counter top.  You:

a. Say "Don’t worry honey, it was just an accident.  Just a little spilled milk, that’s all."

b.  Your head spins around, you bellow and demons rush out of your mouth in a whoosh of incomprehensible words .

3.  As you continue the cleaning project from hell, your husband says he will feed the kids lunch.  After a bit, you go into the kitchen and find the sink overflowing with dishes and Tupperware containers, with dried food cemented to them. After chasing the cat off the counter top where she has been gorging on the leftovers, You:

a.  Thank your husband for feeding the kids, fill the sink with Dawn and while humming, begin to clean the dishes.

b.  Stand there in utter disbelief at the mess and say out loud, through clenched teeth, to no one in particular "Um, when we teach the kids about FOLLOWING THROUGH it might be a good idea to show them how the dishes magically get sparkling clean in the cabinets every day.  Did you know that you can make cement out of wet Cheerios, DEAR?"

4.  The cat, having jumped up on the counter and eaten every scrap of food that hadn’t glued itself down, from the dirty dishes your husband left rotting in the sink, starts GAK, GAK, GAK, GAKKING and vomits all over a kitchen chair and onto the pine floors that have 1/4 inch gaps in between the boards because, by God, your house is authentic, you:

a.  Run to her, stroke her and croon to her that it is okay.

b.  Pick the cat up as she GAK, GAK, GAKS and hurl her onto the back porch as you scream, "Not in my kitchen!!  Not today, P_ _SY (because P_ _sy is really her name, and no, you didn’t name her)**

5.  Your husband turns on the vacuum and starts cleaning the floors AGAIN (because this is what he does, cleans floors every 5 minutes), while you, baby crying at your feet,  are on a Relay Texas call to your deaf, Italian mother, who insists that she has perfect vision even though the relay operator has to type in each thing you say at least 3 times including background noise for ambiance (example: BIG SIGH, vacuum noise, baby crying "No, mom, I do not think you are an invalid and incapable of driving".  Mom: "Why are you sighing at me!!!  And who is vacuuming while the baby is crying so!"), you:

a.  Cover the phone, give your hubby a cute little nose wrinkle, wink, give the thumbs up sign, and mouth "thank you for vacuuming sweetie"

b.  Yank the hand vac out of his hands, wrap the cord around it, hang it from an inverted cross, ignite it and dance naked around it screaming "STOP VACUUMING AND COME GET THE SCREAMING BABY FOR ME"

Unconscious mutterings (menstrual cycle) Day 1:

rain::kid induced insanity

cat::GAK

husband::vacuum

sleep::ha ha

eyes::bags

mouse::mange

diarrhea::green

laundry::hiking Mount Everest with ankle weights

surfing::not happening

running::what one does as she dives to a milk flow heading to the waxed wood floors

PMS::C2H5OH

**>**this was edited because some weird freak did a search for "kid p_ _ sy 6yo" and came to my site.  This makes me sick, scared and appauled by the sicko’s that are actually out there.  It gives me pause and makes me wonder if I should continue this blog.