and baby makes 6!

Round and round

Billy is not sleeping.  He wakes up at night and starts thinking about Galveston.  He thinks of our family members…….sister, aunt, nephews, cousins…..who are homeless right now and will be for a long time to come.  His mind is busy.  We have to be patient to see how best we can help them all.

My mind is filled with these thoughts as well.  I can’t stop thinking of all the lifeless people who are still in their homes:  homes with a big red X on the outside with each quadrant of the X filled with numbers….the bottom quadrant signifying the number of dead inside.  I think of the elderly, and those in wheel chairs and feel agony when I imagine their fear as the water level rose.

I want to know if the friends we have not heard about ever left the island, and if they did not, are they are okay?

I deal with stress poorly.  I get very ADD, and feel very overwhelmed.  I can’t concentrate.  I yell.  I know that the only way I can deal with it is by running.  But that is impossible with the 2 little ones at home.

While at the ranch, I ran over 5 miles a day through the silent hills.  It was amazing to be out there and never see another soul.  I would grab my iPod and head out the door every morning, and run until I felt the stress leave.  I always know when I reach that point.  I can close my eyes and see what looks like a black hole in space and millions of molecules swirling toward it.  I know, that sounds strange, but I can’t see it when my mind is racing.  After several miles, a calm desends upon me and I can relax enough to see nothing but the movement of my own cells behind my eye lids.

Tuesday was ballistic.  I spent hours on the computer trying to get my Aunts medical records from UTMB.  Ha, ha…HA ha ha ha.  UTMB that had 6 feet of water in it. Her pharmacy was inoperable and offline.   Jody the computer geek found a back door to an E-1 geek at the hospital and the wheels are in motion for my MIL to get Aunt C’s medical needs cared for.***

The kids were just insanely wild that day as well. Much chaos, no cooperation to do school, and lots fighting and screaming between them.

When Bill came home, I was on my hands and knees cleaning grout with a toothbrush.  He looked at me, and the chaos of the house, and said “Hi.  What are you doing?’

I replied: “Cleaning grout.”

Bill:  “Um, I know I like a clean house, but I never really noticed the grout.   Is there a reason you are cleaning grout at 5pm? ”

Me: “Yes, because if I don’t bring my focus down to a macro level, I will fall apart”

That was Tuesday.  On Wednesday evening Bill came home and after listening to me announce that it was “cereal night” he watched me grab my iPod and head out the door……………and I ran, and ran, and ran.  I ran hard and fast.  I ran until my sides ached.  I ran until I could see that black, swirling void and then I ran home.  I got to the garage and I sat down and sobbed.  I sobbed for all the dead.  All the homeless.  I sobbed that I lived in a time to witness the 1900 storm return to Galveston.  I sobbed that the Seawall, so tall and proud, finally met its match.

I am not sure how to help everyone.  It is pure chaos.  I don’t think they know where to start.  I mean, sure, your house had almost 4 feet of water in it, so you need to fix floors, cut out sheetrock and re-plaster and paint, right?  Well no, it isn’t that simple.  See, those houses are just sitting there, festering.  Mold, mud, and debris coats them.  The stink is horrible.  It soaks into everything.  The looters are stealing and violating the belongings of others.  The dead sit patiently in their homes waiting to be identified and laid to rest.

And life goes on around it all. The earth keeps spinning and we go round and round.  Sometimes it all is just too much, you know?

Yesterday, a child came out to wonder,
Caught a dragonfly inside a jar
Fearful when the sky was full of thunder,
And tearful at the falling of a star

And the seasons, they go round and round,
And the painted ponies go up and down,
We’re captive on the carousel of time
We can’t return, we can only look behind from where we came,
And go round and round and round in the circle game ~Joni Mitchell

***NEVER heard back from the guy. But my ingenious MIL has it all taken care of Aunt C and has doc appointment scheduled, and was able to get her many meds refilled, so all is good there at present.