and baby makes 6!

When you say nothing at all

For the most part, I have never been a clingy, insecure person with Bill. I have had my moments of insecurity, but they have always been hormonally driven by my cycles, child birth, or having an infant permanently attached to my breast.

The truth is, I have always found strength in our relationship. Strength that I never knew I had. I had the strength to allow myself to fall deeply in love. Something I had never allowed myself to do before.Early in our dating relationship, I had the strength to allow him to walk away from my arms when he got scared and confused.

Most importantly, I had the strength to trust him again and give him my heart when he was ready to come back.

From that moment on, I never doubted his love. It is just something I accept in the same way that I accept my right hand. It just is.

Time has proven his undying love and unconditional acceptance of me. He brings me so much joy and has made my life one that I can look back on and simply be in awe of it. He dazzles and fascinates me. In September we celebrated our 18th wedding anniversary. This Christmas we will have been together for 21 years. Unreal. I have so many memories of him that are special. In the coming weeks, I intend to post some that stand out in my mind as magical.

It’s amazing how you
can speak right to my heart.
Without saying a word
you can light up the dark.
Try as I may I could never explain,
What I hear when you don’t say a thing.

I wonder if he remembers that day when I moved home from Florida before we got back together again (we had broken up several months before and I had moved to Florida…we had stayed in touch), I moved into the dorms 3 days after arriving back in Texas, and was feeling afraid to give Bill my heart again. The problem was, how could I resist?

I spent that day getting re-enrolled in school, arranging my room (in a co-ed dorm much to Bill’s dismay) and fretting about calling him as he had asked me to as soon as I arrived in Galveston. I finally did that afternoon, and he was not happy that I had waited all day. He came right over, and we spent the weekend together. It was really hopeless for me, but I resisted getting close. He could really sense my distance, and kept asking if I was okay.

One evening the following week I didn’t call him, and at around 9pm there was a knock on my door. When I answered it I was not prepared to find a pissed and distressed Bill standing there. All he said to me calmly was “I have been waiting, and you didn’t call. I have no way to get hold of you (there was no phone in my room). Why didn’t you call? You should have called.” He walked in the door, and the feeling I got was that if I so much as touched him he would simply fall apart.

Bill, I am going to tell you this and I want you to listen…..That night you came into my dorm room and paced about it in frustration at the fact I had not called you that evening. You were feeling jealous and insecure, and you said “I don’t like the way I am feeling. I don’t want to tell you how I feel”.

Although you did later that night, you really didn’t have to say a word….I knew. I just had to watch you to know the truth. You had fallen in love, and I would have followed you to hell and back after that evening.