You finally got your girl!
This comment follows me wherever I go. There are many variations of it, my least favorite being "Had to keep trying ’til you got that girl".
These words are mostly uttered by strangers. People who see me out with my 4 kids. Naturally, when they see a girl at the end of 3 boys, they assume that we are done, because we finally reached the peak, the pinnacle so to speak, and finally got that girl.
These people don’t know the whole story. They were not there when I miscarried for the first time. They could not guess that 4 months after that sorrow, I would again lose another child to m/c. Nor could they have the knowledge that I experienced another loss a mere 6 weeks later. I wonder what they would say if they knew that 3 months after our 3rd loss, I sobbed as we watched on US the tiniest heartbeat in the world slowly stop beating. Would they cry if they knew that 3 days later I delivered him/her in the bathroom with my 3 children sitting outside the bathroom door listening to my muffled cries?
Could they know that my heart was broken? How could they possibly be aware that it took the life out of me? That getting out of bed in the morning was a testament of my love for my 3 children, because, people, it took the strength of Hercules to pull back the covers.
What do you say to someone who takes for granted the gift and thinks that each pregnancy ends with a live baby? What can you say to someone who thinks that the worth of a child is in their gender?
I mean, how could they know that we kept trying until we got that live baby? I can’t even type that without sobbing. She was the one that survived. She lived, even when the doctors were telling me that her chances were less than 20%. My body no longer was a safe, warm haven for creation. It was a hostile, violent place that pregnancy was not welcome. Yet, she survived.
She grew, month by month and I waited, month by month for her to die. After all, it had happened 4 times in 10 months. Why would this pregnancy be different? Every day was like an eternity. I waited in terrified anticipation for each milestone. Each goal met was enormous! 8 weeks:
10 weeks:
12 weeks:
Feeling the first movement, viability at 24 weeks, my 3rd trimester. Each one was met with utter disbelief.
Then came her birth, and as she was pulled from my body, she inhaled her first breath, and cried her first cry. I sobbed so hard I could hardly breathe. I said "Is she okay? Is there anything wrong with her? Is she really crying?" I remember thinking "Oh my dear God, is she really alive, is this real? Am I dreaming?" I remember looking at Bill and I saw him crying too. He told me later that he did not cry from watching the birth. He was watching me so he could see my reaction to it, and that is what made him cry.
Shortly after, she was placed in my arms, and I held her and was so grateful that I could now protect her. I felt that her safety was not out of my control anymore.
Regardless of the wonderful outcome, 15 months to the day have passed since her birth, and I still can’t believe she is here. I still can’t put her in her crib at night. I still sleep with her in my arms. She goes everywhere with me. I have never left her with a baby sitter. Bill has just started taking her with him when he goes to the pool with the kids, or takes them to ball practice. Up until I started riding my bike again, I would not leave her with anyone. Sometimes on my rides, when I am 10 miles out, panic will seize me as I wonder if Bill will remember to close the gate if he goes outside with her. Will he cut her food up small enough so she doesn’t choke? Fear stabs me. At these times, I pick up my pace so I can get home to her.
How do you tell a stranger all of this? I usually smile and say something generic like "We are so lucky to have all our kids". Then there are times when a person says that line, and I see them really look into my eyes, like they know there is a great story there. So I tell them everything. It is when I see their tears that I know they understand.
My girl is 15 months old today. Yes, I have a daughter. There is no denying the joy this brings me. But, that is another story all together.
She is a rare and precious soul. Her life, a gift to me it seems. Her gender is the icing on the cake.
I’m lost for words. Thank you or sharing this, even if it did make me cry into my lunch. What a precious child she is.
Yeah, I completely know where you are coming from. I cant wait to hear all the comments once this little girl makes her entrance into the world. I have a boy, then a girl, then 4 more boys. This one is a girl. She is coming almost 12 years after the first girl, and I know how people are….They comment enough about the 6 children already. But each child is a gift, not a competition or an effort to make the other sex. I dont know how anyone could be that shallow. Sure, I wanted another little girl someday, but it wasnt my goal. My goal was to make a baby to love and cherish, be it male or female. Love the blog!!!
My first 4 are boy, girl, boy, girl, and we got comments when we had our 3rd, and then again when we had our 5th. Why on earth would we want more when we already had 1 of each or 2 of each. I used to say, “They’re not matched sets, like salt and pepper shakers!” (not to the commenters, but to anyone I told the story to). Then I had 3 of each, and if I had a nickel for every time someone said, “Just like the Brady Bunch!” UGH. Then I had one more. Now people are waiting to see what will happen. Most people expect we will have another, and some say they are betting on it. Most people have finally figured out that we wouldn’t be doing it to get one more boy!
Your post really touched me.
You see, I too have a daughter. She is 5 months old and is my first baby. However, what a lot of strangers don’t know is that I lost 2 babies before her. I nearly died with the 2nd baby. I fought with everything I had to get her here, to become a mother.
People really do have no idea.
Oh, that was so beautiful and sad.
Hugs to you. I get comments like that all the time *rolleyes* though i gave birth to my daughter first followed by 3 sons. I get comments like “at least you got your girl”"good thing the girl came first” UGH! Sometimes i wish people would just keep their mouths shut!!
More hugs to you!
I have only suffered one miscarriage and that was wretched enough. I cannot fathom what you have endured.
While I was pregnant with our third child a stranger at church told me that perhaps someone should talk to us about birth control. I was shaken and when the pastor asked what was wrong and I told him he suggested that I should have told the guy to go to hell! I couldn’t believe it.
My point in that little diddy is that people don’t know our stories and whether they are tragic or not they have no right to pass judgement of any sort!
Cheers to you for sharing yours….
{{{{ Jody}}}}
I so recognize those emotions, the ‘I can’t believe she’s really here’ feelings and the knowledge that something still has to go wrong.
Karen
they will never realy no the painthat you for the 4 children you lost …i dont know how you fill and i realy hope i never fill the pain of losing a child….i just have to say this after reading this to all the people who said those words like they only stoped cause they got a girl come to my house and let me show them ….see my mom had a good brith with my big brother and then a year later she was pregant she didn’t lose the baby put she was just20 years old and a single parent at the time cause my dad left her all on her own with my big brother who is now 24 yrs old … but yea my mom was pregant again and this time it was not a good time for my mom cause Brit came early realy she was only 24wks pregant with brit but Brit made it but my mom could not take care of all the problems and had to given Brtitany up of Adopen…Which was the hardest thang a mother could my mom told me this story when i was 11yrs old and from then on i new if i ever had a child that child who be love 4 who it was not the gender or how cute it was but because it was a child and i know that not everyone and can have babys bur i hope and prey i can …because i could only wish iam half as good as MY MOMA she is a mother of 4 1son And 3 daughters and that will never change EVER and trust me jodi if i know you would have a nother child if the time was right and all
I understand. We’ve heard it all so many times. We are very often out with our three dd’s and baby son. People always nod and smile, or take a long peak to see if it’s a boy in the car seat. It’s always a hard decision whether we should burst their bubble and tell them that our PERFECT family includes 4 more boys that aren’t with us at that moment. We had 3 boys before our first girl. We heard those comments and more and more of them as we went on to have more. Each of my children both here with me and those that have gone on before us, have shaped and changed us so much. It’s amazing how thoughtless people are sometimes with their words.
Your children are beautiful.
No fair making me cry like this.
And I used to get it all the time. Now people are just bewildered… you had a seventh??? LOL
One day we will have to get together in real life, drink margaritas and share these stories in person.
You have me in tears!
I have four girls and a baby boy, and although we didn’t suffer miscarriages as you did, we get that question just as often and I flounder for a response.
We didn’t try until we had a boy. How quickly that makes each of our girls feel unvalidated. I tried to have five kids because I love them all and wanted them all, not because one came in pink and one came in blue.
I have 3 older brothers and people said that to my parents all the time. They say, “No, we were actually expecting to have 4 boys!” That usually shut them up. Of course I told them they didn’t quit until they reached perfection!