Mom, so sweet the sound of that name.
Fall is here. I go out into my backyard and swish, swish through the leaves that have vacated their place among the branches of the enormous pecan trees in the yard. My kids will grab buckets and start the search for pecans hiding in the grass. We will crack and eat as we go along, tasting the sweetness of the nuts and enjoying the sun on our faces.
The temperature has finally worked its way down to a pleasant spot and we find ourselves wearing long pants to keep out the evening and morning chill. I have delivered 3 of my 4 children during this time of year, so the deja vu I feel makes me look down expectantly at my belly to see the familiar bulge. It is not there this time.
At lunch today, Bill hauled out the box that contains all of the fall and Halloween decorations. I went up into the attic to get down some more odds and ends, and found myself staring at the bassinet that has taken up residence in the attic. I ran my hand along the edge, feeling the satin and lace that my mother lovingly stitched to it over 11 years ago. All 4 of my babies have slept in that bassinet. Moving it up to the attic was hard for me this time, as I feel that Mia will be our last baby. Not that I want that…..it is just a feeling deep in my soul.
How can that be? I have spent the last 11 years of my life building a family. When Mia goes off to school in a few years, what will I do all day? If I am not reading books, picking up toy after toy, changing endless numbers of diapers, holding a freshly bathed baby smelling of lavender, kissing a boo boo, or nursing a child to sleep, what will my days be filled with?
I went for a walk with my friend, and as we pushed our babies in their strollers, she asked me a question that I was not prepared to answer. She asked when I was planning on going back to work. I am not even sure I remember what my answer to her was, but I will answer that question here, in the safety of the internet void…..I can’t stand the thought of it. I do not want to go back to work. I want to be home with Mia, as long as I can. Too soon, she will be in school along with her brothers. I want to spend my days with her by my side, going from room to room tidying up, snuggling with a book, nursing her into drowsiness for her nap, watching her try to fold small hand towels as I fold the laundry. Mia. My 4th child. My miracle. I have not taken one minute of her life for granted. I have enjoyed her babyhood and when I look back at the things I gave up during her first year, there is not one thing that I feel regret about. I am still relishing my time with her. Why would I want to leave her to go back to work? Yes, financially it would make things much easier. We would not feel so strapped for money. Buying something that was not a necessity would not consume me with guilt. But I know if I went back to work, we would just find some other way to spend it, and the truth is, we are doing fine with just Bill’s salary right now. The time may come in the not so distant future where that may not be the case. For now, I just can’t do it.
I know how fast they grow, and I must be honest with myself that it scares me to death to think about letting go of them. I can’t imagine my life without my kids here in our home, being a family. I know that it will happen, but I don’t have to like it…..this moving on to different stages. I want my kids to grow up. I want them to become incredible adults that I can be proud of. I want that for them very much. It is just very difficult.
Mom. It is my name. I like it better than my given name of Jody. If fits me better. I have known all of my life that I wanted to be a mother and have many kids. I have 4, and can’t believe how blessed I feel when I look at them. Would it be crazy or greedy to want another baby to love? I am 40 years old now, and will be 41 in just 3 more months. Time is marching on, and I know that my fertility may be a thing of the past in a few years. I can hope for another baby, but God knows that there are no certainties in life. I find myself asking questions there are no answers for. How long will the bassinet stay in the attic? Will it come down for one of my future children? Or will it come down years from now to cradle one of my grandchildren, the way it cradled my sister, brother and I, then my 4 babies? In just 2 more years it will have been in use for 1/2 a century. How many more precious children will slumber in it?
I wipe the tears from my eyes, grab the plastic pumpkins and brush past the beautiful bassinet. As I head back down the stairs I smile, knowing that as much as we like to think we are in control, and know all of the answers, God is the one in charge, and sometimes He is full of surprises. We just have to learn patience as we wait to see them.
*SNIFF* I hope yall do have another baby cause i know yall with love it to death just like you do the 4 you have
I pray that you will have another baby or be at peace with where you are. I am wondering the same thing, as I am 41 now, and would love just one more–is this it? The making peace with how many you have, whether it’s one or a dozen, is a hard one.
As for staying home, I too cherish every minute of being with my babes, it’s a privelege to be here changing diapers and doing the other mundane tasks that comprise being “mama.”