The hardest thing

Today I took my son to school.

Many, many things went into making this decision. The biggest of which was that he wanted to go. Badly. He has been asking for months.

Why? He wants to be with his friends. He misses school. And this breaks my heart.

It has not been a smooth ride this year. Quinn is a child that is full of energy and very stubborn. In regards to doing the work, we were constantly toe to toe, nose to nose in a battle of the wills.

Don’t get me wrong. There were many, many, many days that were priceless and precious. More great ones than trying ones. But the hard ones were putting a strain on our relationship. A big strain. We were cranky with each other much of the time. It was changing our relationship in a way that I did not like, and after much agonizing and fretting, we decided to let him try school again. Try is the key here, for me. He will go for the first part of December, and we will decide over the holidays if it is the right thing for him.

This year at home has been unreal in a great way. In the time we had together, Quinn worked through the entire Saxon grade 2 program, learning so very much. It was amazing to watch. How many second graders can do multiplication and find Sicily on a map….not to mention the Tigris and Euphrates river? He read Marco Polo, Robert Lewis Stevenson, among many others, and is now starting a book about Genghis Khan.

We worked through Sonlight Core 1+2, and I have no intention of ending it there. I will order 3+4 and dive into American History with my kids as well.

I am really, really in a tender spot here, so this is not up to discussion. It is a decision that Billy and I made together at Quinn’s prompting, and we know him better than anyone. I am just really sad today, and being the self-flagellator that I am, have to wonder where I failed.

Quinn keeps patting me on the back and hugging me, saying “Mom, we will still read together when I get home. It will be fine. Don’t worry.” And then I cry. And cry. And cry some more.

I walked him to his class this morning, and he was smiling and so very happy. He saw someone he knew, and ran to sit with them, leaving me in the dust.

I had my sunglasses on and there were tears rolling down my face. I miss my Quinny.