The lights go out and I can’t be saved
Tides that I tried to swim against
Have brought me down upon my knees
Oh I beg, I beg and plead
Come out of things unsaid
Shoot an apple off my head and a
Trouble that can’t be named
A tiger’s waiting to be tamed
Clocks by Coldplay
Post partum anxiety is a weird thing. I think it differs from PPD in so many ways, but then is so like it that I can’t tell one from the other. Anxiety makes the heart race, and a feeling of being overwhelmed rolls up from the very pit of your stomach and lodges in your chest. It sits there and your mind races. I worry about my kids constantly. I am irrational in my thoughts at times, imagining something happening to one of them, and God, it brings me to my knees. I know it is a chemical imbalance…..I can almost taste the rise of the hormones/adrenaline in my mouth.
The day before Quinn’s scheduled surgery date (the one that got cancelled) Bill brought home some Zoloft for me to take. After much debate, my best friend got me to take one. That afternoon we left for the beach.
People tell me that it takes about a week to notice a difference, but I have to tell you, for me it was immediate. I was so calm. The anxiety left my body and I felt like my old self again around 12 hours after the dose. For me, it was like taking a Xanax or a Valium. I felt like I could come up for air and think clearly.
24 hours later, I did not take my second dose. Or my third etc etc. Why you might ask? I KNOW that it helped me. I KNOW that it could make a big differnce in my life. It gave me a moment to come to he surface of the racing tide and take a long, deep breath. So why not take it?
Reason # 1 My daughter is nursing and getting some of it. What long term effects will this have on her budding nervous system? They just do not know at this point. The drugs are too new.
Reason#2 I know that if I get pregnant on it, I have an increased chance of having a baby with cleft lip or clubfoot. As slight as those chance are, I just am not willing to go there. I have done clubfoot. It runs in the family. Do I want to increase odds that are already high enough? No.
Reason # 3. I want to try to calm the tiger myself. I want to wresle it to the ground and pin it down. So, I get on my bike and ride like there is no tomorrow. I grab a surf board and I paddle out into the salt water, feeling the sun on my face and the rise of the waves beneath me. I stand up on my board and the wave surges me forward. Sometimes I fall. Sometimes I ride it briefly and I feel the power of God and creation under my feet. That is my Zoloft.
Like I said, I KNOW it is a great medication and has helped many people, and God only knows, I am just a person, and maybe this beast will continue to stalk me. One day soon, I may end up taking the meds to get my life back in order.
For now, I have the tiger by his toe and am trying my damnest to tame it. With the help of my amazing husband, friends, my faith in God, and the love I have for my wonderful children, I am kicking its rear one day at a time.
