Pachabel’s Canon in D

Last night I dared to put Pachabel’s Canon in D into the CD of my car. It is an amazing piece of music. For me, it is extra special. First off, I walked down the aisle and married my husband to it. It was so lovely. I then bought the CD and played it over and over again while pregnant with my first baby, Cory, in 1994. I could feel him roll and kick in my stomach as the waves of music filled my ears.

I also played it frequently during my fathers last month on earth, that same year.

My fathers name was John, and his birthday was last week. He was an amazing man. I find myself missing him so much. I miss his laugh, his smile, his quick, dry sense of humor, his unconditional love. I can only imagine what kind of a grandfather he would have been, as Cory was to be his first grandbaby. I miss what could have been. If only he had lived for 5 more weeks he would have seen him! Oh, so close, but so far away!!!!

I spent his last week with him. He was in the hospital, battling pneumonia that he got due to chemo treatments for his lung cancer. It was so hard. He couldn’t breath, and he knew it was the end of a long battle.

Watching ones father suffocate is torture. It is a living hell that I relived for 9 months after. Nightmare after nightmare followed his death, so I lived it over and over again in my dreams. At the hospital, there was one night in particular that was so difficult. I remember lying next to him in his hospital bed, listening to his breathing and feeling his heart beating. His breath would slow, then halt, and his heart would slow and I would pray that his suffering was almost over, but then he would startle awake and gasp for breath. This went on until almost 3am. By that time, I was having contractions, I had not had anything to eat, very little fluids, and I needed to go home and rest, but I was scared to leave him. I remember telling him that I had to leave for the sake of the baby and he nodded his head up and down. I cried and whispered to him “I am afraid to leave. I am so afraid that you might die tonight.” We always spoke the truth to each other. He just looked at me, with those beautiful, loving blue eyes. Through tears I said “I love you Dad” and he took my hand and with difficulty replied, “Then that’s all there is to say, girl”.

During my pregnancy, he was so calm and yet so excited. The US had told us it was a girl (HA!) and my father helped us name “her”. He picked Cory. It was his first grandchild, yet he never put his hand on my belly to feel the baby move. He said he would touch her when she was born. Well, once he started the fast slide downhill in the hospital, I asked him if he wanted to feel the baby. He put his hand out to me, and I placed it on my belly. Cory rolled and kicked and my father said “The baby!”. It was such a special moment for me. The emotion was so strong, I could hardly swallow!

We flew his 96 yo mother down from Wisconsin to be with him. When we walked in the room with her we said “Dad, someone is here to see you” and he saw her and smiled and said “Hi Ma!”. She rushed to him and tucked his covers around him and held his hand. Here he was, a 67 yo man and she was his mommy again. It was priceless and I could see the relief all over him. She arrived on Wednesday, and he died on Friday morning……my brother was by his side holding his hand and praying. I was in the car on my way to the hospital, listening to Pachabel.

He passed away 5 weeks before Cory was born. Not a girl, but a boy. We named him Cory John, after my father.

So, I listened to Pachabel again and remembered……so bitter-sweet for me. I got lost in it none-the-less. I put that CD in, turned the volume up and the memories were so strong, I could almost feel my infant son move inside my belly……….and when I closed my eyes, I could feel my fathers arms wrap around me.