10 Things to remember

1. Memory foam will not only remember a comfortable position you placed your body in, it will also remember the breast feeding contortionist position in which your spine was shaped like a section of Dead Mans Curve……it will mold around this and lull one into thinking they are in comfort, only to find inthe morning that is was all an illusion.

2. On a summer day, you can be sitting outside, and not see a single damn fly. Then you open a bag of chips, and they appear out of nowhere. Hold that image, and replacd the flies with my children. I cannot eat without being instantly flocked by all 4 of my poor starving children. This, my friends, is a law. Mommy cannot eat anything without sharing. I might as well grab 5 spoons when I pour myself a bowl of cereal.

3. Never, ever lift up the area rugs in a family room. Especially if there are waxed wood floors underneath. It is much better for you to not know what happened to the full cup of orange juice that disappeared off of the kitchen counter 2 weeks ago. Please trust me on this.

4. Teach your cat sign launguage so she can have a less creative way of letting you know she has a bladder infection. Yes, seeing a cat use sign language would be less impressive to me than the image of her climbing up to the second level of the toy storage rack and peeing in one of the cloth bins. She would have to be Spider Man to do this, so although I am grossed out, I am very impressed.

5. After having read that listening to iPOD for many hours can cause deafness, go to the doctor and find out if listening to the vacuum run ALL THE TIME can cause hearing loss.

6. Ditto on listening to the kids scream at each other.

7. Learn how to breed crickets. Having to run to The Big City, 50 miles away, to get crickets is not cost efficient. $2.00 for 2 dozen crickets…… 100 miles round trip at 18mpg at $2.29/gallon= lots of freaking crickets and a good incentive to let all of the frogs go FREEEEEEEE. Born freeeee, as free as the wind blooooows…………….

8. Never, never, ever reach into a Crevice from Hell to do a blind sweep and scoop out toys. You just might grab something very soft and wet, that is covered in mold and is completely unrecognizable. Is/was it some kind of food that has been there for way longer than I care to admit……………. or was it once ALIVE????

9. Never, never, ever leave a dirty diaper on the changing pad next to your closet. It might get placed in said closet by a tiny someone who is veeeeery curious and you might not find it for, say a week or more, when you begin to wonder if Pussy is again trying to cleverly tell you something.

10. Never name your cat Pussy, as the very tiny someone who hides diapers cannot pronounce things just right yet and it comes out, ironically, as “Pissy”. Yes, we have a Pissy Pussy Cat.