A new beginning

Some call it weaning……I call it having my heart ripped out.

It is happening here, and I am swinging like a pendulum, back and forth, between being ready for it, and not wanting to let go of that phase of our life together.

I will remember, even when I am 90, the times when she lay beside me asleep…..little puffs of air with the sweet smell of breastmilk floating next to my face. The way she reaches up and touches my face gently while nursing, tracing my nose, eyes and lips. Tiny fingers twirling my hair. As a baby, she would put her little feet on my mouth for me to kiss.

Nursing a toddler has been a pure joy. From her exclaiming outloud at a late evening BBQ with Bill’s boss, that she is tired and wants “utter Boobie”, to how she mumbles quietly while nursing to sleep.

We are down to 2-3 nursings a day…..sometimes only one. I know the time will come when I realize that she hasn’t nursed in days.

I will cry. She is the last baby I will ever nurse. I have no doubt in my mind about this. Bill’s stroke was the deciding factor.

That’s right. I am not willing to have another baby, knowing that I might possibly have to raise it by myself. I am selfish like that.

The fact of the matter is, this is okay with me. I have always been totally in love with Bill, but lately, we seem to have retrieved that thing called infatuation. Complete and crazy desire to be touching each other all the time (hand holding and such…sheesh you guys have dirty minds). I think about him even while he is in the room.

After the last 4 weeks, I am nurturing my marriage like never before, and for the first time in my life, I can honestly say that I am ready to move on to a different stage of my life….one that does not include being pregnant and giving birth.

Mia is weaning, my husband survived a stroke. Damn, I am satisfied with what we have! Our life here is wonderful, fulfilling and I couldn’t ask for anything more.

I am sandwiched in between Bill and Mia. My bookends. The one that started it all, and the one that put the exclamation point on our family.

Mia and Bill reading