Illusions

Yesterday evening, we got a babysitter and went for a bike ride. This was the first time I have ridden since the end of April. I don’t feel out of shape, as we have been surfing so much, but I asked Bill to be kind to me none-the-less. He has been riding at least 3x week for the last month or so.

It would be an understatement to say that my husband smoked me. He is 8 years my senior and he smoked me. This in and of itself would not be so humbling. Many of you out there could say “But, he is a male. Males are stronger, faster, etc etc”. Yes, this is true. Some males have a bit of an advantage on females.

The thing that makes this so remarkable, is that this male had a stroke 2 1/2 months ago……and he still kicked my arse.

I rode behind him much of the way, and I found myself watching him and looking for signs of the stroke. What I saw was perfect form, a lean, hard, strong body and effortless pedaling.

You would think that this would be so reassuring to me. It is, but then again it isn’t. I mean, he was like this before and then **WHAM** our lives were set upside down.

Just….like….that.

Last night after our ride, I sat beside him on the couch watching Le Tour. I turned to him and said “You know. I am not okay.” He looked at me quizzically and said “What do you mean?”

I told him that I am constantly on guard all the time now. When I hear him get up in the night to go to the bathroom, I wake fully and wonder if he is okay. If I hear him rustle in the cabinet where the medication is, I wonder if he has another headache. I watch his gait when he walks. If he grimaces at all, I freak. One time it was because a knat flew in his eye. I check in with him daily to see how his symptoms are (stroke syndrome lasts a long time….his residual at this point is the tingling, and it comes and goes in strength). A good day, one with almost no tingling, sets my mood up in the clouds. A day of stronger tingling or a return of any of the other symptoms can send me plummeting into worry and despair.

Don’t get me wrong. The roller coaster has leveled off dramatically. The huge, gut wrenching dips are gone for now. It is just the lingering feeling of…….of…..anticipation would be the only way I could describe it.

He rolled his eyes and said “Well, it sounds like you need to get a grip. You can’t live like that. I can’t live like that.”

This from the man that one night, while I was up and down with Mia and getting increasingly frustrated with her, decided that 2 a.m would be a good time to pull one on me. I came back to bed and he was breathing really funny, and making choking sounds. Folks, this is my husband. He is constantly messing with me, and has done this before. Nothing new, except the fact that I had read a few days earlier on a stroke forum a man describe that one early morning he awoke and heard his wife breathing funny and making choking sounds, and he called 911….she had had a stroke.

So, I climb into bed and hear this, and my logical mind knew it was Bill being a horses ass, because he had just been awake 2 minutes ago when Mia cried out. I punched him and told him to stop, and as usual, he didn’t. I tickled him, and got no response. I then started to get a bit alarmed, so I sat up and shook him, and it continued. At this point I started to cry and shake him, calling out his name. He sat up and said “what’s wrong? I am just kidding” and I started bawling and told him about the man on the computer.

Welcome to The World According to Stroke.

Riding with him, and seeing him strong and healthy made me feel happy.

But deep in my heart, I am scared that it is all an illusion.

**edited to add that, with almost 3 years behind us, I can say that it is not an illusion. He is fine and doing great. Typing this just now feels so damn good.