When is the honeymoon over?
In honor of our 16th anniversary, and the 3 weeks after in which Bill and I rode mountain bikes all over hells half acre, I will be writing some entries about our life together before kids.
Here is a post that I wrote many moons ago, and I am resurrecting it for those who are not obsessive like me and read every archive available when I find a new blog.
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I was talking with a friend recently about marriage and the subject that came up was “when is the honeymoon over”? Is it over when you fart around each other? Or is it after you have kids and the one-on-oneness is far and few between?
No, I’ll tell you when the honey moon is over. It is over when, on your honeymoon (which is a month long camping/mountain bike trip through Utah and Colorado) your husband eats pumpkin seeds in the wilds of the Utah desert, and, upon exit, said pumpkin seeds cut his anal sphincter, better known as his butt hole.
An abscess develops, as does fever and chills, so you head on into Moab to see the doctor, whose name is Dr. Red. Dr. Red is about as country as country gets, and, as he presses on your husbands butt abscess, smiles and says, “I’ll bet it hurts when I do this”. Dr. Red explains with glee that it needs to come to a ‘head’, so he tells DH to “soak it”. It is decided that DH needs a real doctor, so we break camp and start the drive to Durango, Colorado.
On the trip over the mountains, DH is in agony having to, of course, sit on the abscess while driving. He gets a tickle in his nose, and sneezes, and lets out a huge scream. See, sneezing has pushed the abscess into the ‘head’ Dr. Red gleefully talked about.
We arrive in Durango and check into a hotel. In the middle of the night, Bill awakes in agony. The pain in his butt, it is huge! He takes 6 aspirin and downs a warm beer he fishes out of the back of the truck, and spends the rest of the night in intense pain.
Morning comes, and we get to the local clinic, where his abscess is lanced and drained. An hour later he emerges, wick in place, and we head back to the hotel. Cycling is canned, no pun intended, for the rest of the trip. I am disappointed, but Bill could care the less, as his butt is 100% better. We stay long enough to have the wick removed, then head on home to Texas.
So, when is the honeymoon over? I’ll tell you. It’s when your husband of 2 weeks pulls his pants down, bends over and says to his new bride “Honey, will you take a look at this?” THAT is when the honeymoon is over.
I’ve read this story a few different times, and laugh aloud each time. It’s a wonderful story. Er, except for the part that your husband was in so much pain.
Thank you for injecting humor into my day today!
Oh, boy, I thought our honeymoon was bad! I developed a UTI, we had to go to the hospital, then the van we were driving (which was borrowed from my BIL) caught fire. Then we had to rebuild a carburetor in our hotel room, and we couldn’t back up the van for the whole rest of the trip. Have you ever tried driving without backing up?
But your story – I think that’s worse.
lalala (fingers in ears–or covering eyes?) TMI!
I am DYING over here! That’s way too early on for that level of closeness. But after that, you could never complain that you weren’t intimate enough, I suppose.
I am relieved that I’m not the only one who had a hellish honeymoon! That is AWFUL!
The honeymoon was over for us when I found my husband curled around the toilet passed out on the floor after hours of dual end issues resulting from food poisoning. It wasn’t pretty.
THAT is seriously funny..!