Evanescence

I am drawing a complete blank.  My mind, it seems like, has gone completely to “white out”.  I will try to put something here, but it will not be a “Perfect Post” or one of those posts that gets gushing reviews on other blogs.  The words are swirling in my head like a Picasso painting.  I need to sort them, so here goes.

Sunday morning, our next door neighbor called me at around 7:30a.m. and asked if I could help her with her husband.  He was home on hospice care, and had thrown up a bit and she needed some assistance to clean him.  Certainly I would help.  So, I headed on over to their home.

I have to preface my story by saying that V is a layperson.  Completely oblivious to all things medical.  She is normal, and I feel a bit jealous about this.  She can still look at a situation and not see the worst case scenario.  She is innocent, medically, and that is something that has been robbed of me by my education.

When I saw Pastor, I knew that things were not good.  V was busy tending to the problem that she saw as the most important.  Me?  I immediatley phoned Bill and he rushed over.

To make a long story short, and to protect my dear neighbors privacy, I will say that Bill and I were so blessed to have been able to be there for V. as she said goodbye to her husband of 38 years, peacefully in her living room, early Sunday morning.

Afterward, I had to rush off to get to an Advanced Cardiovascular Life Support class.  I had been to it the day before, and it was time to take my test to get certified. 

I got to the facility 15 minutes after Pastors death.  I got my written exam and stared at it.  Then it happened.  Pure, blinding, white out.  I got 7 answers wrong.  I couldn’t even recognize atrial fib.  I did pass, but I don’t know how.

The thing is…..I imagined myself in V’s place, caring for Bill like that. 

That flash that happens at the moment of nuclear detonation?  That is what is in my head. 

This is so not a bad thing.  I am not turning off, checking out or losing it. Quite the contrary.   I feel so alive right now. What an acid trip would feel like if I knew what an acid trip felt like.  Like I am aware of everything.  The pulse beneath my wrist.  The heat from my sons sweaty head as he sits next to me, just out of reach, after he has been running outside.  My shadow on the driveway as I walk to my car.  I have to stop and stare at it, and marvel at the fact that I am here to make one. 

I lay awake and images flash across my mind.  Quinn throwing his head back and laughing.  Cory brushing his blond hair out of his eyes with his hand.  Cody shooting around the driveway on his scooter.  Mia, asleep, her little sighs brushing against my neck.  Bill lying beside me sleeping in bed, his eyes moving gently under his lids. 

And Pastor taking his last breath.  Can you believe that you can physically stand there and see a human being exhale their last breath?  I could have caught it in my hand it was so palpable.  Like a cloud……there, but when you try and touch it, it just swirls around your fingers.  Evanescence.

The slate of my mind has been wiped clean. Except for the many snapshots. Images of people feeling, laughing, suffering, loving, hurting,…….I really feel that sometimes, the heart can be filled to capacity. 

Mine is flowing over.