How blessed am I to love someone so much.

I really hesitate these days to post on my down days. I am not sure if it is that I don’t want to document my fears and have to read about them in the future, or that I just simply am afraid to verbalize them. Maybe it is that I want to keep things happy on the blog, and not constantly be bringing out the sad face clown. But…….. if I don’t post this, it feels a bit like lying….like “Oh look at our fabulous sailing day! Life is so sunny and peachy keen”.

We had a fabulous Saturday, then on Sunday Bill was sick. Vague sore throat and a bit nauseated. A virus no doubt. The kids have had it. I had a touch of it. There was just something else there that I couldn’t put my thumb on. He was withdrawn and short tempered…..completely normal behavior for someone who does not feel well. I just know him, and knew there was more to the story.

On the stroke syndrome front, his symptoms have been very, very minimal, coming and going much less frequently and with less intensity. In fact, it has been months since he has felt the tingling etc. This has been so wonderful, and his mood has been so fantastic. He has been really, really happy and it shows in his face and interactions with us.

He was different on Sunday and that is why I knew there was more to him being sick than just a little virus.

On Monday the kids went to school and Mia to her Nannies, so Bill and I had some quiet time together. I sat next to him on the couch and asked him to tell me what was wrong. He said the tingling was back pretty bad, and he just didn’t feel well. Still a virus, but with some stroke residual mixed in. He immediately said he had no headache, because he knew I was going to freak out, thinking he was having another stroke.

Folks, I am really, really tired of being scared. I am tired of burying him in my mind several times each week. I am sick and tired of imagining my life without him. I photograph him like it could be the last ones I ever take of him. (sob) I take pictures of him to remember every line on his face, the color and kindness of his eyes. Photos for my children to cherish.

This week it will be one year since Bill had his migraine stroke. I know that what happened has led us down a wonderful path this year, and I am so very grateful for every, single second of it. Please don’t take this as a “I wish it had never happened” rant, because I am so over that. God has shown us the some of the “whys”, and I understand the path so far.

It is the future that terrifies me. Sometimes it feels like the floor has just suddenly dropped out from under me and I am left with that empty feeling in my stomach. That fear. That feeling, welling up inside of me, that makes me cry, shake and feel as if I cannot take one! more! minute of it. I am on day 3 of that state of mind.

The worst part is that I really don’t have anyone to talk to about it. Sure, Bill and I talk, but it is kind of hard to tell him that I am scared he is going to die ( I do, because we are very honest about everything, but who wants to hear that when they are feeling bad?) He is already under enough pressure trying to hide the fact that he is feeling bad and worried himself. He doesn’t want me to get like this, so he just gets quiet. I have known this man for almost 20 years, and the saying “one flesh” for us is quite literal. It is like a sixth sense for me. I just know when something is off.

As for my friends and family………Some people just don’t get it and it makes me feel so alone, like I am screaming into a void. Bill is walking around, going to work, sailing, surfing. He goes to Scouts with the boys, and rides his bike 60+ miles each week. Seeing is believing, and what they see is a well person. I get the same thing over and over again….”Things could be so much worse”, “Look at the positive of all this”, “I honestly don’t understand why you are so worried”, or my favorite “I have never felt like that…maybe your faith needs some work”. Then there is this one: “Fear is not of God”……no it is not. It is human to fear, and I am human. I fear for the future. I fear spending any part of my life without Bill by my side, experiencing it with me. My faith in God is not based on Bill surviving this ordeal…faith will not keep him from dying. My faith in God is in knowing that whatever happens, God loves me, when I am strong or when I am shattered and in grief.

Then, there are those who get it. Those who have faced fear head on, and continue to face it to this day. Those who have lost, and then found joy again, only to struggle with waiting for that next damn shoe to drop and take away that joy. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for listening to me…just plain listening…..and for getting it.

Another close friend suggested that I write down all of my fears, then burn it.

I think deleting it into a cyber void will work the same. So, in that spirit, I will take this post down in 24 hours.

She also suggested that I keep a journal and fill it full of plans for the future. Plans that include Bill. A future that carries us, together, into our 50′s, 60′s, 70′s and 80′s.

This is what I hope for. This is how I see my future…………..I see Bill and I on a sailboat, in the Caribbean, celebrating our 40th wedding anniversary. There might even be surf boards lashed to the deck. Certainly there will be frosty glasses filled with margaritas. Our faces will be tanned, with deep lines etched near our mouths from years of smiling and happiness. I see his soft hand in mine, and the light in his blue eyes burning into mine…….I am in love, and will be until the day I die.