After all, clubfoot is not perfect. - May 28, 2004 -
There is a flurry of talk in the blog world about choosing a healthy child via adoption….one with little or no deformities. It’s another variation of the old infertile -vs- fertile war that I see raging daily.
Let’s go there. So, if I were to have done PGD with my 3rd pregnancy, and I ended up with 2 live embryos……2 fertilized, viable babies, and one was Quinn with left clubfoot and the other a normal male child, with no discernable abnormalities….which would I have chosen? This is purely hypothetical, because I could never make that kind of choice. I would want them both. But let’s play the game. Mind you I don’t have the same skills of telling the future that some have, so I would not have the foresight of knowing what an amazingly bright, gifted, funny, loving, precious child that Quinn would be. Would I terminate him to have a healthy baby? What if I was adopting and could choose between Quinn and a normal male child? You answer that hypothetical question, because if I did and chose the healthy male child, I would have to explain to my son why his clubfoot made him anything less than perfect.
I don’t have any problem with the adoption special needs checklist. These people can’t read your mind. They ask these questions to understand what your expectations are. They are trying to pair you with a child that you need and that needs you. If you want a child with no obvious deformities, then check no to all the boxes. That is your choice and that is the EFFING purpose of the checklist.
These are children for crying out loud. Not some checklist of abnormalities. If you choose not to adopt a child with clubfoot because you need a perfect, healthy child to love and experience, more power to you. There is nothing selfish about this. You have been through so much. But lets not forget that it is not just a clubfoot. It is a human being with all the same emotions as you. My heart breaks and I cry as I write this because what I got from all the posts that I read is that my child is not perfect, therefore not worthy of being an infertile persons dream child. You see, I learned something today……. infertile people deserve a healthy child, just like me. Tell that to Quinn.
We started adoption paperwork to adopt a child from China one month before I got pregnant with Amelia, and we did fill out the special needs checklist……we checked clubfoot, because hindsight is 20/20.
His foot looks a bit different… - May 25, 2004 -
This morning, as I was making coffee for DH and I, I heard my kids in the bathroom teasing each other. They were imitating voices, but I stopped dead in my tracks when I heard my oldest son, Cory (9), making fun of how another child in his class talked.
I stopped what I was doing and called both boys into the kitchen. I explained to Cory, with tears in my eyes, that it was very unkind to make fun of anyone. Bill said to Cory "Quinn has his clubfoot, and walks different. One day someone might make fun of him. How would that make you feel?"
What hurt me so much was that my son was capable of being cruel to someone else. As parents we hope to high heaven that our children will not mock or taunt another child. We try and teach them kindness, love and empathy. I guess this was a moment of teaching and I hope he listened well.
It gave me a moment of thought about Quinn. He is such a sweet, gorgeous child….one that was born with idiopathic left clubfoot. At birth, it was rated a 17 on the 0-20 clubfoot scale, with 20 being the worst. there was little hope that it could be corrected without multiple surgeries. At age 3 1/2, Quinn has yet to experience the pain of surgery. His foot was corrected with the Dimeglio Physiotherapy Method for Clubfoot correction. It was daily massage and strategic taping that was done for 1 year. Today he rates about a 1 on the 0-20 scale and is considered corrected. He still has some "toeing in" of his forefoot, but his ortho doc is not concerned.
His foot looks a bit different. It is a full size smaller, and he skips when he runs. He has about 40% less muscle in his left calf than on his right side, so his leg looks skinny. One day I put a pair of crew socks on him with his tennis shoes and we went to play on the playground with a friend. My friend watched him and then said "Wow, I can really tell the difference in his legs with those socks on him. It is really a ton smaller" Gee, thanks. I really needed to hear that. Why don’t you say it a bit louder so Quinn can hear you. Shesh, if the parents are doing it, I can bet the kids will too.
Will he be teased? My heart aches at the thought. But for now, all I can do is teach my children kindness and love, hoping that they are listening and taking mental notes.
Another pink blanket - May 25, 2004 -
Yesterday was a full day. I went with several of my friends on a shopping day. We had a great time looking at all the stuff and had a yummy lunch. It was our last kidless (or near kidless, as I brought Amelia) day before school gets out this Friday.
I didn’t spend a cent until the last 15 minutes of the day when I found this for Amelia. Like she needed another pink blanket. I just could not resist it! It is sooo soft and sweet, like a cloud! I also got it on sale, so I was happy about that. My husband would have killed me if I bought it for the regular price!
My two oldest boys start swim practice this evening. They will go 2x each day when school gets out. NOT looking forward to the driving, back and forth, and while they stay cool in the pool, I wait in the heat of the sun with a 3yo who can’t understand why he can’t swim with the boys too, and a newborn. But, they love it so much and their coach is really great with them. Last year, Cory made it to State! It is quite competitive, so he was really proud, as were his parents!
I was a real jerk to Bill yesterday. I just felt annoyed all day and evening (not sure why), and I kept snipping at him and pushing him away when he tried to hug me etc. I felt bad, so when I got up, I apologized to him. He replied “I don’t know what you are talking about. I wasn’t aware of anything wrong”. :0 He has got to be the most laid back guy on the planet. Mars-Venus, Venus-Mars.
Off to make sure Amelia is okay……it is 9:45 and she is still sleeping!! We went to bed at 10:30 and she slept through until 7am, nursed and went back to sleep. I woke to boobs that felt like they were full of rocks. I am not one to want my kids to sleep through the night. I really enjoy our little late night snuggles at the breast. She is already growning up!!!
Look, Ma, no training wheels! - May 23, 2004 -
I have to tell you, it is a bit freaky to see a 3yo riding a bike without training wheels. Quinn is following in his brother Cody’s footsteps and has mastered the bike very early. He is riding like a pro. It is only a matter of weeks before he is doing the skateboard jumps and hopping curbs. Cody did all that at Quinns age, so I am bracing myself for the acrobatics. There is a little retirement home across the street from us, and the elderly women gather for coffee at the breakfast window and watch my kids defy gravity. I am sure there will be a heart attack soon when they get a glimpse of Quinn on his bike. They all went gray from watching the boys on their scooters and skate boards, going off of the jumps………well, they were already gray, but you get the picture.
I wonder if Amelia will be as daring. My DH rides dirt bikes, as do Cory and Cody, and he is already joking about getting her some pink dirt bike gear. He is prepping me for Quinn to ride now that training wheels are no longer a factor. Urgh! Now THAT I can do without for now!
Here is a picture of Daddy-O on his day off from seeing patients at the clinic. Why can’t he go fishing like most normal men??
You have your hands full!! - May 22, 2004 -
We went shopping at the outlet mall yesterday. I only had 1/2 of my kiddos, Quinn(3) and Mia(2m), and it was tension filled, but tons of fun. Lots of breastfeeding in the changing rooms at Old Navy, Motherhood and on the bench outside of Carter’s………and lots of funny looks from people. I had several “You have your hands full” comments (with two kids??? come on!!). I responded that I had 2 more at home, and got many blank stares with mouths wide open.
That phrase seems to follow me wherever I go now…..that is, only when I head out of our little town, population under 3000. We live in a very devout Catholic community, so large families are the norm. Now, when we venture out into the “big city”, that is another story. People gawk at us like we are a bit of a freak show. They comment on how brave I am, and wonder aloud how we manage. My favorite is this…..”Had to keep trying until you got that girl, huh (chuckle chuckle)?” “Why, no, I had 4 miscarriages, so we had to keep trying until we got that live baby, har har”. Well, that is what I want to say, but then the thought of having to validate my 4th child to a complete stranger seems absurd. So I laugh and make a cheerful retreat.
Now, there are those who tell me that I have a beautiful family, that I am a lucky woman, and those that see children as precious and remarkable miracles. It is to these people, men and women, with whom I share my story and feel at ease.
……..and yes, I do have my hands full……..but more importantly, it is my heart that is full to running over.
Mama Mia, stop the diarrhea!!! - May 20, 2004 -
It stopped!!! Mia finally had a diaper with a normal, breast milk style bm in it! Thank God for a different kind of runny poop!! She seems to feel much better today, and it is amazing what an effect that has on my aching, worry filled head.
A shot of my boys on their way to school:
Peaches!!! - May 19, 2004 -
We went to pick peaches today and got a huge box of them, ripe and delicious. Mmmmm. Quinn had a blast. Mia rode in her sling and enjoyed the outdoors for a bit. She is still feeling a bit sick, but is much better than yesterday! I was so worried about her. 8 weeks is just too darn young to get sick, IMHO! My anxiety about her is ballistic. I guess I have just not been able to come down off the two year anxiety high I have been on with the miscarriages and the pregnancy. Sure is draining.
My 9yo, Cory, is driving me nuts today. He pick, pick, picks on Quinn(3) and then Q retaliates with hitting and kicking. Ugh! It is pure chaos here today. Only 45 more minutes until Bill gets home from work and can relieve me of my referee duties.
Did I mention how much I dislike Yu-Gi-Oh cards. If I pick up one more off the floor, I am going to scream. They are in every room of the house, under every piece of furniture. I think they breed.
A Tecate with lots of lime is about to become a reality.
Sick baby, stressed mom….. - May 18, 2004 -
Mia slept a ton yesterday, spit up more than usual and continued her mega BM’s all day (she has been doing it since Friday….not the usual BF stools). By evening she was crying and I could not console her. That just sent me over the edge as far as stress is concerned. She started having something called “stridor” periodically, which is a whistling sound on inhalation. Freaked me out!
So, today I took her into the doctor, and they did a CBC and it showed she had a stomach virus (high white cell count and high lymphocytes). She is having some reflux, which is causing the esophogus to spasm every now and then, thus the whistling sound. Or at least that is what we think. Hopefully, it is nothing more serious.
She feels icky today, so I am holding her non-stop. I love her so much it hurts!
Lasagna, lasagna, lasagna! - May 14, 2004 -
Tonight is the wake for my friend. She has a large family, and everyone was busy with planning the funeral, so I offered to make dinner for them. I have never made lasagna for 19 people before.
Ingredients:
-4lb ground beef
-6lbs Ricotta cheese
-6 boxes lasagna noodles
-6-8oz packages of grated mozzarella cheese
-12oz parmesan cheese
-4-150z cans of tomatoe sauce
-4-4oz cans of tomatoe paste
Yikes!! It made two huge pans…..the lasagna from hell! They turned out wonderful! I even made a small pan for my family. I am exhausted, and ready to get off of my feet!
My oldest, Cory(9) has a slumber party tonight. Cody, my 6yo is sick and very disappointed because his best friend was coming over to spend the night, and we had to cancel those plans. He has fever and swollen glands. He also says his neck hurts……..antibiotics are on board.
Off to eat some lasagna!
Lost a friend today……….. - May 13, 2004 -
The phone rang today at 7am, and I heard Bill talking and knew immediatly that my friend Jean had passed away. She had terminal cancer, and we were expecting the call, as she had become very ill in the last few days and the end of her struggle was near.
Jean was in her 70’s, and was a very dear friend. I will miss her so much, but praise God that she is not suffering and is with Him now.
