Pachabel’s Canon in D - June 29, 2004 -
Last night I dared to put Pachabel’s Canon in D into the CD of my car. It is an amazing piece of music. For me, it is extra special. First off, I walked down the aisle and married my husband to it. It was so lovely. I then bought the CD and played it over and over again while pregnant with my first baby, Cory, in 1994. I could feel him roll and kick in my stomach as the waves of music filled my ears.
I also played it frequently during my fathers last month on earth, that same year.
My fathers name was John, and his birthday was last week. He was an amazing man. I find myself missing him so much. I miss his laugh, his smile, his quick, dry sense of humor, his unconditional love. I can only imagine what kind of a grandfather he would have been, as Cory was to be his first grandbaby. I miss what could have been. If only he had lived for 5 more weeks he would have seen him! Oh, so close, but so far away!!!!
I spent his last week with him. He was in the hospital, battling pneumonia that he got due to chemo treatments for his lung cancer. It was so hard. He couldn’t breath, and he knew it was the end of a long battle.
Watching ones father suffocate is torture. It is a living hell that I relived for 9 months after. Nightmare after nightmare followed his death, so I lived it over and over again in my dreams. At the hospital, there was one night in particular that was so difficult. I remember lying next to him in his hospital bed, listening to his breathing and feeling his heart beating. His breath would slow, then halt, and his heart would slow and I would pray that his suffering was almost over, but then he would startle awake and gasp for breath. This went on until almost 3am. By that time, I was having contractions, I had not had anything to eat, very little fluids, and I needed to go home and rest, but I was scared to leave him. I remember telling him that I had to leave for the sake of the baby and he nodded his head up and down. I cried and whispered to him “I am afraid to leave. I am so afraid that you might die tonight.” We always spoke the truth to each other. He just looked at me, with those beautiful, loving blue eyes. Through tears I said “I love you Dad” and he took my hand and with difficulty replied, “Then that’s all there is to say, girl”.
During my pregnancy, he was so calm and yet so excited. The US had told us it was a girl (HA!) and my father helped us name “her”. He picked Cory. It was his first grandchild, yet he never put his hand on my belly to feel the baby move. He said he would touch her when she was born. Well, once he started the fast slide downhill in the hospital, I asked him if he wanted to feel the baby. He put his hand out to me, and I placed it on my belly. Cory rolled and kicked and my father said “The baby!”. It was such a special moment for me. The emotion was so strong, I could hardly swallow!
We flew his 96 yo mother down from Wisconsin to be with him. When we walked in the room with her we said “Dad, someone is here to see you” and he saw her and smiled and said “Hi Ma!”. She rushed to him and tucked his covers around him and held his hand. Here he was, a 67 yo man and she was his mommy again. It was priceless and I could see the relief all over him. She arrived on Wednesday, and he died on Friday morning……my brother was by his side holding his hand and praying. I was in the car on my way to the hospital, listening to Pachabel.
He passed away 5 weeks before Cory was born. Not a girl, but a boy. We named him Cory John, after my father.
So, I listened to Pachabel again and remembered……so bitter-sweet for me. I got lost in it none-the-less. I put that CD in, turned the volume up and the memories were so strong, I could almost feel my infant son move inside my belly……….and when I closed my eyes, I could feel my fathers arms wrap around me.
Honey, can we mortgage the house to pay for all the cute cloth diapers????? - June 29, 2004 -
Have been having a really fun time with the diapers! I had placed all my orders and was waiting for them to arrive, when I received a package in the mail from a friend with some diapers to start with! Such a great surprise and a good head start. Also, a friend in town came over with a huge box of diapers and wraps! Yeah! Then, my orders came in! Here is my assessment of the first week in cloth for Mia:
1) Pre-folds are pretty darn convenient. Easy to use and very cheap. They require frequent changes, as I want Mia to be comfy, but for the most part, are great!
2) A stay-dry fleece liner is a must for me, so I will have to either make some or order another pack of them ASAP.
3) Fleece covers are a bit warm for Texas, especially when it comes to slinging.
4) My first, out of package assessment of Little Lambs AIO: I LOVE,LOVE,LOVE them. What a great, economical diaper. Easy to clean, excellent fit, and dries quick. I can’t say enough about this diaper right now. I will see how it works in the long run, but my first-look review is WOW! Mia is in her Hawaiian print one this morning.
5) Not too happy with the Stacinators double fleece. Way too much bulk…even at night. And, again, too hot for Texas.
6) Love the Happy Pants, although she won’t be in them for long. Will buy a Medium next, as at 3 months old, she is already out of the small….they run small for sure.
7) I love the CuddleWraps Wool Wrap. It is a wonderful wrap. I use these at night with a Cuddlebun diaper, and they are virtually leak proof on Mia.
Kissaluvs fit so snug and comfy. It is a great diaper and super absorbent. They are a tad bulky and hard to fit with a cover, but I do like them and they are my second favorite.
All in all, my favorite diapers so far are the Little Lambs AIO front snap. This could change as she wears them today. So far so good! If they continue to work as well as they fit and look, these will be my diaper of choice.
Cloth diapers and covers! - June 22, 2004 -
Today I checked my blog stats and saw that someone found my site while looking for “6yo fetish”". I hope that I am just mistaking this for something it is not, but if I am right on the money, than whoever you are, you are one sick puppy. Blek! Get some help!
OK, I am hooked….completely. A friend got me interested in cloth diapering, and I have now ordered an obsessive amount of adorable diapers and covers……it is gone way past the blanket fetish. They are not only adorable, but are much more healthy for my baby. Not to mention the impact disposables have on the environment. I ordered these, these, these and these and will order a few of these custom cuties in various patterns next week. Can’t wait for the mail tomorrow!
Quinn lost his first tooth. A bit on the early side, but he smacked the front ones so many times, I think the one finally decided to surrender! Off to make some Pan Thai for dinner!
Donk - June 15, 2004 -
I have been battling the w32.donk.r virus on my computer. It was a mess and very time consuming. Word to the wise: make sure your virus definitions are up to date and get all of your critical Microsoft patches done asap or you will be in donk hell as well.
Summer has such a wonderful rhythm. Sleep in. Have my morning coffee. Go to swim team practice. Enjoy the afternoon at home. Start dinner and have a Tecate with Bill. Watch a movie or go to All Stars practice. Put kiddos to bed. Start all over. Just very laid back and casual. I tend to get up, throw on some clothes, put on a baseball cap and get going! No hair dryer, no make-up (I rarely wear that stuff anyway)….just flip flops, tank tops and shorts. The summer uniform.
We had a swim meet this past Saturday and Cory and Cody rocked! Cory got two 1st’s (50m and 25m freestyle) and a 2nd(25m backstroke) in his heats and Cody got 2nd(25m freestyle) in his heat. This was Cody’s first meet, so he really did awesome. Cory moved up to a higher age division this year, so he was competing against 11 yo’s, so he did really well considering he is only 9yo! Can’t wait for the next meet this weekend!
Mia continues to dazzle me. I love her so much! (Gush, gush, gush!!!) I am having so much fun with her. I have an opportunity to go back to work at a really great job. It would be a day job as circulating RN in the OR at a great hospital. I will have to pass, as I just can not leave Mia. I don’t think I will be going back to work again for several years. I will just keep doing my CME’s and keep my license up to date until all the kids are in school full time. I am really feeling the call to stay at home for good now. So be it. I feel so much at peace. Thank you, God.
Off to swim practice!
C’s terror run through the woods at the grandparents house - June 10, 2004 -
July will have us on a trip to the in-laws ranchito again. I am planning to use bug spray this time, as Bill and the boys were covered in chigger bites when we got back home a couple weeks ago. I think we will also have the boys tent a bit closer to the house, too.
They wanted to camp out on the land. What kid wouldn’t. It is so beautiful there, and the adventure of sleeping in a tent in the forest sounded cool. Well, to them it did. I was not happy about it. I mean, having a 9yo and 6yo sleeping alone out on 50 acres in the middle of the hills made me nuts. It was nuts. Anything could happen to them….mountain lions, rabid skunks and bob cats would share the night with them. Now, I know there are a few people out there that are saying “Mountain lions? Oh, come on!!” But yes, there are mountain lions in Texas. When we lived in the Hill Country, they called them black cougars, and we had one roaming our property and the 20,000 acre ranch that was next to us. I experienced, for the first time in my life, what having your hair stand on end felt like. One night I was unloading my 3yo and newborn baby from the car in pitch darkness and I heard a cougar scream very close to me. Terrified is the only word I can use to describe how I felt. The hair on my neck stood on end. I grabbed my kids and hauled ass to the house. The next day I couldn’t find our cat and went looking for it. Our nearest neighbor, who lived about 20 acres away from us, told me that they had just returned home from a trip the evening before, and as they pulled into the driveway, their headlights caught a mountain lion jumping off of their back porch.
We never did find our cat.
So, back to my kids sleeping “out on the land”. To hell with that! We did compromise, and they pitched their tent a few acres behind the house. It was still in the woods and dark as can be, but they insisted, and Bill thought it would be fine.
They were instructed to stay in the tent. They had water and some flashlights…..oh, and their Gameboys, of course! Bill also instructed them on ranch smarts, such as “never cross a fence if you are lost” and “never try to touch the animals”. He stayed with them for a while, then darkness fell and Bill came in the house.
I was not at all at ease. I couldn’t even see the tent from the window. Worry, worry, worry. I nursed the baby, and finally fell asleep…………only to wake to the sound of frantic pounding on the door. Bill jumped from the bed, and ran to the back door. I glanced at the clock and remember thinking “they made it to midnight!”. I went in the kitchen and found Bill leading Cory into the den to climb into the fold-out bed where his 3yo brother was sleeping. I hugged him and felt his heart pounding. He said he heard some noises and the deer near the tent and he got scared, so he grabbed his shoes and flashlight and made a run for the house. I said “that must have scared the heck out of you!” and he nodded his head up and down vigorously! I asked him where Cody(6) was?????? He said “Still in the tent”. It was then that I knew……….if both boys were standing 10 feet from a lion, Cory would grab Cody, throw him to the lion and run. I freaked and told Bill to go get Cody and bring him in. A few minutes later he came into the house carrying Cody, still asleep, and put him to bed.
With both boys safe and sound in bed, Bill and I crawled back into ours and talked. Bill said it was really creepy walking to the tent through the woods in the pitch black. He could hear the deer snorting and walking around, and coyotes howling. It must have been terrifying to our 9yo.
The next night they pitched their tent in the fenced in part of the yard, about 10 feet from the back door. I could see their dark shadows in the tent from the light of their flashlights. I could hear them laughing too. Early in the morning they came in and were so excited about their night in the tent. They said “we weren’t scared either”. They had made it all night in the tent!
Around 7:30am, Bill went out to take the tent down and he opened the flap…….to find their grandmother, Nanny, asleep in the tent!!
Hib, DTaP, Polio and HepB…oh my! - June 9, 2004 -
Mia got her shots yesterday. She cried, mom cried….even the nurse shed a tear. Poor baby. She did not feel well at all in the evening. I put on my jammies early, and she and I had some serious snuggle time. I held her all night. Okay, so I do that every night, but I REALLY snuggled her last night.
The whole shot thing makes me insane. I worry like mad about them. I give myself a headache and my shoulders are up to my ears each time. I freak out. But, I know how important they are. To mark that point, I will tell you that there is an outbreak of measles in Mexico right now, and there was a documented case of the measles only 12 miles from the town we live in. An immigrant family from Mexico enrolled their child in day care and he was sick. The whole day care was exposed. So, those diseases that we inocculate our children for are out there. They are not extinct, and herd immunity won’t stop them from infecting a child that is not immunized. So, I brace myself for the next round of shots in 2 months, knowing that she will be okay, but worrying anyway.
Mia is fine today, and her mom is so happy. None the less, I will get in my jammies and snuggle extra close with her this evening and tonight. Blogging can wait.
Welcome to the world baby girl!!! - June 5, 2004 -
My friend Karen had her baby!! If you want to read the coolest birth story you have ever heard, I would encourage you to keep checking her blog for when she posts it!! It was outside in her yard under some trees!!! So incredible!!!
Her baby girl is such a blessing, conceived and carried to term after 8 miscarriages in a row. If you want to feel uplifted and encouraged on your TTC after recurrent miscarriage journey, then go here.
Much love to you Karen! She is a keeper!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so proud of you for trusting your body!
Home again, home again, jiggety jig - June 2, 2004 -
Home again!! We spent Memorial Day weekend with the in-laws. They have a 50 acre ranch and it was soooo beautiful. Very peaceful and quiet. I was really able to unwind a bit, as I had been feeling overwhelmed leading up to the trip. Packing etc for 4 kids and myself was nuts while trying to break up sibling fights and nurse and nurse and nurse and nurse a fussy baby. My shoulders were up to my ears, my hands were clenched, my forehead was so deeply creased, botox would not have helped. I oozed tension. We stopped on the way up there and I got a Tecate to guzzle while Bill drove.
Went shopping on Saturday and bought another blanket for Amelia (it was light weight and perfect for summer, so sue me), a cool burp cloth, a Bed of Roses candle, and drank a delicious espresso Frappe. Bill hates candles, and joked that he especially hated rose scented ones. Tough titty said the kitty, but the milks still good!
Got home Monday evening and came crashing back to Earth Tuesday morning as I attempted to go shopping with all the kids. To sum it up: long drive to nearest town, stop for happy meals and a shrimp Caesar salad for myself, only they forgot to include the shrimp part, return to Burger King, get said shrimp, head to card shop to get birth announcement cards to send out even though Amelia could call everyone herself now to announce her birth, spend agonizing hour in card shop chanting “Don’t touch, don’t touch, sit down, don’t touch”, finally picked just the right card, cleaned card shop, loaded kids in van, stopped at Walgreen’s to get reprints of pic for announcements, off to fabric store, got fabric for blankets Amelia does not need but will fulfill my blanket fetish, loaded back up, back to Walgreen’s to get pics, check watch, have about 15 minutes to go to Target and buy 45 minutes worth of items, get to Target, Mia screaming, nurse Mia in sling while walking through Target chanting “No, no, no Yu-Gi-Oh’s” to the boys in tune with steps, check out and miraculously make it back to car with no Yu-Gi-Oh’s, head out of town and call hubby to let him know we will be home 5 minutes before All Star baseball practice……………hubby says “You are cutting it kind of close, aren’t you?”, and I feel all the tension that was lost in Fredericksburg find me and zap back into my body in one giant, cosmic whoosh, like a demon possession. REDRUM
Today I have a small, but steady stream of honey bees flying into my house via the fireplace. Bill said it is the Bed of Roses scented candle I bought and burned on the fireplace mantle last night. Neener, neener.
