On the fly - April 30, 2007 -
Hanging with that ER dude, so will a picture story work today? I hope so, because here it is:
Air show….and why saving for an SLR is a must. Speeding jet at a distance…..taken in “action mode” while tracking the very fast jet.
Same picture magnified.
Another shot at a distance.
Magnified
Nothing says excitement like a Stealth bomber going overhead as you drink Italian beer on the Strand.
Cory, hanging with his parents in front of the Emporium.
Mia, entranced by the street musician….she liked him so much she dropped her used ring pop into his money bucket.
Only allowed a quarter pound each.
Yaga’s…where it all began.
A familiar scene way back to our life BC (before children).
Yes, the same bartender is there….he used to serve Bill and I our drinks 20 years ago, now he owns the place.
My kids on the balcony at Yaga’s.
And the obligatory beach picture of adorableness dressed in a tutu bathing suit.
Yet another thing to ponder over a good beer…and the reason for our trip to Galveston.
Todo bueno!
How blessed am I to love someone so much. - April 24, 2007 -
I really hesitate these days to post on my down days. I am not sure if it is that I don’t want to document my fears and have to read about them in the future, or that I just simply am afraid to verbalize them. Maybe it is that I want to keep things happy on the blog, and not constantly be bringing out the sad face clown. But…….. if I don’t post this, it feels a bit like lying….like “Oh look at our fabulous sailing day! Life is so sunny and peachy keen”.
We had a fabulous Saturday, then on Sunday Bill was sick. Vague sore throat and a bit nauseated. A virus no doubt. The kids have had it. I had a touch of it. There was just something else there that I couldn’t put my thumb on. He was withdrawn and short tempered…..completely normal behavior for someone who does not feel well. I just know him, and knew there was more to the story.
On the stroke syndrome front, his symptoms have been very, very minimal, coming and going much less frequently and with less intensity. In fact, it has been months since he has felt the tingling etc. This has been so wonderful, and his mood has been so fantastic. He has been really, really happy and it shows in his face and interactions with us.
He was different on Sunday and that is why I knew there was more to him being sick than just a little virus.
On Monday the kids went to school and Mia to her Nannies, so Bill and I had some quiet time together. I sat next to him on the couch and asked him to tell me what was wrong. He said the tingling was back pretty bad, and he just didn’t feel well. Still a virus, but with some stroke residual mixed in. He immediatly said he had no headache, because he knew I was going to freak out, thinking he was having another stroke.
Folks, I am really, really tired of being scared. I am tired of burying him in my mind several times each week. I am sick and tired of imagining my life without him. I photograph him like it could be the last ones I ever take of him. (sob) I take pictures of him to remember every line on his face, the color and kindness of his eyes. Photos for my children to cherish.
This week it will be one year since Bill had his stroke. I know that what happened has led us down a wonderful path this year, and I am so very grateful for every, single second of it. Please don’t take this as a “I wish it had never happened” rant, because I am so over that. God has shown us the some of the “whys”, and I understand the path so far.
It is the future that terrifies me. Sometimes it feels like the floor has just suddenly dropped out from under me and I am left with that empty feeling in my stomach. That fear. That feeling, welling up inside of me, that makes me cry, shake and feel as if I cannot take one! more! minute of it. I am on day 3 of that state of mind.
The worst part is that I really don’t have anyone to talk to about it. Sure, Bill and I talk, but it is kind of hard to tell him that I am scared he is going to die ( I do, because we are very honest about everything, but who wants to hear that when they are feeling bad?) He is already under enough pressure trying to hide the fact that he is feeling bad and worried himself. He doesn’t want me to get like this, so he just gets quiet. I have known this man for almost 20 years, and the saying “one flesh” for us is quite literal. It is like a sixth sense for me. I just know when something is off.
As for my friends and family………Some people just don’t get it and it makes me feel so alone, like I am screaming into a void. Bill is walking around, going to work, sailing, surfing. He goes to Scouts with the boys, and rides his bike 60+ miles each week. Seeing is believing, and what they see is a well person. I get the same thing over and over again….”Things could be so much worse”, “Look at the positive of all this”, “I honestly don’t understand why you are so worried”, or my favorite “I have never felt like that…maybe your faith needs some work”. Then there is this one: “Fear is not of God”……no it is not. It is human to fear, and I am human. I fear for the future. I fear spending any part of my life without Bill by my side, experiencing it with me. My faith in God is not based on Bill surviving this ordeal…faith will not keep him from dying. My faith in God is in knowing that whatever happens, God loves me, when I am strong or when I am shattered and in grief.
Then, there are those who get it. Those who have faced fear head on, and continue to face it to this day. Those who have lost, and then found joy again, only to struggle with waiting for that next damn shoe to drop and take away that joy. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for listening to me…just plain listening…..and for getting it.
Another close friend suggested that I write down all of my fears, then burn it.
I think deleting it into a cyber void will work the same. So, in that spirit, I will take this post down in 24 hours.
She also suggested that I keep a journal and fill it full of plans for the future. Plans that include Bill. A future that carries us, together, into our 50’s, 60’s, 70’s and 80’s.
This is what I hope for. This is how I see my future…………..I see Bill and I on a sailboat, in the Caribbean, celebrating our 40th wedding anniversary. There might even be surf boards lashed to the deck. Certainly there will be frosty glasses filled with margaritas. Our faces will be tanned, with deep lines etched near our mouths from years of smiling and happiness. I see his soft hand in mine, and the light in his blue eyes burning into mine…….I am in love, and will be until the day I die.
Photo blogging - April 22, 2007 -
The weather was a bit to be desired this weekend…cloudy and windy, windy, windy.
So, what do we do?
Read the rest of this entry »
Conversations - April 20, 2007 -
While on a bike ride together…
me: I am so loving this!
Bill: Loving what?
me: This being together stuff.
Bill: Oh
me: So, is this like, more important to me than you?
Bill: What do you mean? How would I gauge that?
me: Well, okay, then I will re-phrase…How important to you is it that we get to spend so much time together now?
Bill: Awesome important.
________
I get a call from work today asking if I could come in and work the ER tonight. After telling them yes out of pure guilt, I spend the rest of the day anticipating a Friday night in the ER….
me: What are you looking at with that grin on your face?
Bill: You.
me: Why am I so funny.
Bill: Just because. It is funny watching you in this mode.
me: What mode is that?
Bill: Watching you agonize over going into work for one night. You work yourself up into a worry frenzy, like a wounded, dying snake coiling around and around itself ( said with hand motions imitating a dying snake rolling and writhing).
Photos from this evening - April 19, 2007 -
A bluebonnet for Lammyann
Pure white
Down the lane
Texas hills
Natures paintbrush
Along the fence
Cows
Sunset
Bright pink
Bill
When I love her most - April 18, 2007 -
Sleeping cats are fair game to itchy fingers that want to play with their new toys while the rest of the house sleeps. Is that a run-on sentence?
I am the proud owner of a Nikon D80 with 18-135mm lens, purchased almost in full with my ad revenue, which makes it all the more sweet. I slept with it last night. I tucked it in, kissed it goodnight, then stared at it, lovingly tracing its body and lens with my finger, until I dozed off.
I have taken a few photos with it, but am forcing myself to use the manual feature so that I can actually learn how to use this beast, so my photos may stink for a bit. Blurred around the edges etc. This is a fast, powerful camera, and I want to get the most out of it. I can already tell the difference in the colors and contrast.
Ignore the poor focus etc,. Like I said, I have so much to learn, but the camera!!! It is worth all the praise people are giving it.
See the “plower” and the little blades of grass….and the dew drops??
Knock me over with a feather. I am in lurv!
Imagine that - April 17, 2007 -
We wake early at our house. It doesn’t matter if it is a school day or not, we rarely sleep past 6:30. When we do, we feel hung over and funky all day long.
The kids are up, dressed, fed and ready for school by 7:15, and because Bill’s motto is “If you are on time, you are late”, they are out the door no later than 7:32….which means they are at school at 7:34 since we live right down the lane. It is the same thing, to the dot, every morning.
They have to be there at 7:55.
Which makes my kids really, really on time…….at least when Bill takes them.
When I take them, they are in a panic. They walk by me flashing their watches like mini-Bill’s, and encourage me out the door with woeful cries of “We are going to be late. Come! On! Mom!”.
My motto is “If you are on time, you haven’t had your second cup of coffee” and I adhere to it strictly, much to the horror of those around me.
Yes, I am time challenged and proud to admit it.
None-the-less, I get my children to school on time. Not because I am all “whoo hoo, look at me, my kids are not late for school”, but because they will tell on me, and I am keenly aware of that fact.
Today, we loaded up in typical Jody fashion at 7:50, which means we had 5 minutes to go 2 blocks. Nice cushion if you ask me. My kids, (never, ever get your kids wrist watches before they are 14) were all “FortheloveofallthingsholymomweareLATE!!!! How could you do this to us?” They sighed HEAVILY all the way to school, but it got quiet when we drove up to the parking lot.
Quinn: “Hey, what’s up with all this?”
Cody: “Why are all these people here?”
Cory: “Look at all the cars! What is going on today?”
My kids were gazing, for the first time in their school aged lives, at the drop off line.
Me: “Those are all the normal children being dropped off at school. You know, the ones that don’t get here 30 minutes early.”
Cory, Cody and Quinn: “Oh. ”
:*()
I have ruined the kids for Bill in less then 48 hours.
Tomorrow, we will push the limits and leave at 7:52. The horror.
A photo shoot that felt alot like trying to put a sweater on an octopus - April 15, 2007 -
I tortured myself today and took the kids on a wildflower photo shoot.
After todays session, I know that I will go to heaven, because I have already served my time in hell.
Eh, it wasn’t that bad, but it was frustrating. I did get a handfull of nice shots, but not with all 4 together.
It really rang home the fact that an SLR camera would make my photography life with kids much less stressful. I love my C-8080, but, as fast as it is, it is just not quick enough on the draw when standing off with these kids.
I love this picture. It really captures the special bond that they have together….collectively driving me looney.
The whole set is up at Flickr if you would like to take a peek.
The screwdriver - April 12, 2007 -
Not that kind of screwdriver…getcha mind outa the gutta and read on.
My whole life I have been very independant. Fiercly so at that. I did everything myself, and even though my brother was 5 years older than myself, I went everywhere with him. It drove my mother up the wall. All she had to do was turn her back for 1 minute, and I was out the door and half way to the creek.
I have been from one end of the country to the next on my own, and lived by myself for years prior to meeting and moving in with Bill. I took out my own trash, payed my bills (always late), took care of my own automobile, and at the age of 19, have even changed a flat on the highway, in the middle of rush hour traffic in Phoenix, Az.
I have ridden Slick Rock in Moab, Utah right beside Bill. I have crossed 12K foot mountain passes on my bike. I have raced in triathlons, and have found myself on the foredeck of a boat, waves crashing over me, sky as black as night as I set the spinnaker, my legs straddling the bow of the boat with nothing else holding me to the deck but the fear of falling overboard into a ragging bay.
After Cory was born, I was a take charge mom. I did the baths, checked their school folders every afternooon, was room mom, etc etc. With my first 3 pregnancies, I worked up until delivery, holding someone elses legs and yelling “push” while I was 38 weeks myself.
All of this changed after I began to miscarry. After the second one, I folded into myself and became very dependant. I was afraid to lift anything. I was timid. I whined more. I couldn’t surf, because we were trying to get pregnant, and it might hurt the baby. Running stopped. I wouldn’t even go for a walk after I ovulated for fear of somehow screwing up implantation. I swear that I became what I dreaded most in this world……….a Barbie.
It wasn’t until Mia was 19 months or so that I started to get my nerve back. I started riding bikes again, surfing and running too! But that fragile element remained in me. That “haylp, save me” Barbie attitude had woven its way throughout every fiber of my being. Bill took out the trash. Bill lifted the heavy laundry. If a jar lid was too tight, Bill opened it. Bill had just stepped in and taken over where I had simply dropped the ball and it had happened so gradually, I didn’t even know what had happened.
Until this new job came and with it, Bill’s absence for 72 hours at a time. It has been so good for me. I feel like I am gaining back my old self reliance and it really feels great.
When we first decided to go for it and take the job, there were people who were concerned. They had questions like “What will Jody do if one of the kids gets sick?” “How will she handle 4 kids by herself??” To be honest, the questions did more to get me back in gear than anything. I mean, what the hell? I have had these kids for a while now, why would I not be able to handle them without Bill? And, hello! I am a nurse. Yes, I probably panic a bit more when they get really ill, but I know damn well what to do in an emergency. Shesh.
Then Bill left for his first shift and the world did not stop revolving. The trash got out to the curb. The kids got to school on time. They got baths every night and some even got the croup and lived. The bills got paid. I opened jars on my own, lugged the laundry down stairs, fixed plugged toilets and sinks, and handled belligerence without screaming like a banshee.
And damn if felt good for Bill to come home and see the house in order and the kids happy and fine. Things were not perfect, but when are they ever?
I still need to get the balls to drive the 5th wheel and hopefully I will do that on our next trip to the coast. But hey, baby steps.
Bill still is…well, Bill. He likes to do things around the house. Feh, what is a girl to do. He likes to sweep, mop, do the laundry, fix the cars, mow the grass, renovate our kitchen, paint, and he is great in bed. All in all though, I am self sufficient again, (save for that last little part).
One of the things I had to take care of this week was a new license plate for my car. It was torn off in the wreck I had last week. The wreck I had in front of my house…while driving to the bank that is across the street. The bank I could have walked to, but didn’t. Ahem. Bill nagged asked me to go get it taken care of that day, so I agreed.
I called and inquired what they needed from me, gathered my wallet etc, and walked out to the car. I opened the door, and started to climb in but could not help but notice the enormous screwdriver on my seat. I would need it to remove the license plate on the rear of my car, and I have to be honest to say that it would have never occured to me to bring a large screw driver with me to get a new plate for the car.
Call a spade a spade, or a Barbie a Barbie…..but I like that he does these things for me. I smiled from ear to ear and thought, what the hell would I ever do without him? I had my answer as I drove down the road, with my screwdriver beside me in the front seat……I would miss him. That is what.
I would miss the hell out of him.
Mia knows her brew - April 8, 2007 -
Today we went to Easter service and the annual egg hunt our church hosts.
Mia was decked out in a dress of such princess splender, well, it was splendid.
The boys wore blue jeans and a dress shirt. Hey, there were no holes in the knees and I am quite certain Jesus was not concerned with their attire. Mia, though, was certain He was very pleased with her “butiful dress”.
After the egg hunt and bible school, we went to the Easter service. During communion at our church, the children come to the alter for their blessing while the confirmed members take part in communion. I walked up to the alter with my little row of ducklings, and knelt down to pray and receive Holy Communion. The pastor blessed my little boys, Cory took communion, Mia was blessed and I received the bread. When I took the wine (in a small plastic cup) Mia, in the silence of the church and at the top of her lungs, said:
“IS THAT BEER? ARE YOU GOING TO DRINK BEER????”
And then she repeated it as I was drinking it.
“I SAID, IS THAT BEER?????”
I swear a little of the wine came into my nose as I choked and started laughing. I was not alone, as AJ, the alter server, was also laughing. As was Cory. Being a German congregation, and the nature of our town, I don’t think there was a stern face in the church.
I think even Jesus was smiling at her in her “butiful” dress.
Happy Easter from all of us here at “and baby makes 6″
Think - April 7, 2007 -
How cool! I received an award!
Lammy Ann awarded my post Scrubs for the Thinking Blogger Award. Thanks so much!
I, in turn, must nominate 5 Bloggers with this honor. Hmm. Let’s see…..
1. Amalah and her post “On having a boy”, because, yes, boys are fabulous! By the time Mia came, after her 3 brothers, the shock of a girl just about killed me, so I know what she meant about that yearning. Amy, gobble him up now like you are doing because they do grow up, and then you have one of these, complete with the blackeyes that they receive playing football without helmets:
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2. Jenny Scotts post “In an “I hate cancer” funk tonight”…. scroll down to Wed., March 7th. I think Jenny’s post speaks for itself. I hate cancer too, Jenny and I hope they find some answers. Thank you for keeping up your journal and sharing your life with us.
3. Kathy’s post Snippets on the Carribean, because it made me cry with happiness for them. I have never wanted something so bad in my life as to be where there are, doing what they are doing, right now.
4. Meredith for her post “I love Snails”. because snails hold a special place in my heart as well.
5. Cecily for her post “You don’t want to read this (and I don’t want to write it)” because Wow. Just Wow. Her honesty just floors me. I quote her “No one at the hospital said to me, “Yes, delivering your sons will be more risky, but at least you’ll get to see them and hold them and say goodbye.” No one said, “Do you want to make arrangements with a funeral home?”
Also “Instead of getting to say goodbye, to look at their faces, I was just knocked out and the boys stripped from my body. I’m left with the shame and guilt of–God forgive me–treating my sons like standard medical waste. My sons. My boys.”
Cecily, I am deeply ashamed of the medical professionals that treated you, your husband and your sons this way. As a nurse, it blows me away that there was not a team or ethics committee involved to not only save your life, but to also compassionately take care of your babies and your emotional health. I am so sorry that this happened to you and pray that God will be with you, his arms wrapped tightly around you, as you miss your boys.
_____________________________________
If those I have tagged would like to participate in the Thinking Blogs award, the participation rules are simple:
1. If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think,
2. Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme,
3. Optional: Proudly display the ‘Thinking Blogger Award’ with a link to the post that you wrote.
Karma and her skanky cousin Mojo - April 6, 2007 -
They say that it comes in threes.
We are re-defining that little phrase, and I can only pray that it stops…as of yesterday evening. Please, already, STOP!
In 9 days time:
-Bill locked his keys in his truck while he was at work and spent hours fishing them out with a coat hanger because the police in town he works in do not have the tools to unlock car doors and given that my husband would prefer not to spend $125 on a locksmith, well, he fished for a very…long…time.
-the day Bill came home from work, the shower and bathtub backed up…..some mysterious toy lurking deep in the drain where Bill cannot reach it.
-that same day, the central air conditioner in the house went out. Air conditioning is required by law in every home in Texas. Without AC, people in Texas would melt. And die. And whine. South Texas ranks second to Arizona in AC dependance, and third to Florida in it’s ability to be so humid that people no longer require the use of a shower to wet themselves down for a bath. We just step outside and are dripping wet from head to toe in 10 seconds. We don’t need perms either. Curls and frizz come naturally to South Texas hair.
-that same evening, Bill took the van to run some movie rentals back and got stopped by a cop for a taillight being out. The same taillight that I had fixed a few weeks ago. Thank God we had not started the margaritas yet.
-Quinn, on his bike, without a helmet on for some unknown reason, launched himself off the front sidewalk into the street and only by the grace of God was he not hit. The steps he launched himself off are about 3 feet high off the asphalt. I was not there to watch this stunt…I would have turned immediatly gray. Bill was there, and he is bald now.
-I turned our taxes in, FINALLY, on Friday afternoon, and on Saturday morning our tax lady promptly died. SHE DIED. She has done our taxes for years, and she lived around the corner from us, so we were stunned and saddened to learn of her passing.
-Cory, while playing football, was hit in the head and cut his eye. His eye is very black and blue, and the cut quite deep, but by the time he got home from school Bill deemed it un-stitch worthy. This whole football thing is for the birds. Apparently the teachers think helmets are too.
-and I am hoping LAST…..yesterday afternoon I was in a car accident that caused the car I hit to spin around 180 degrees into oncoming traffic on the highway in front of my house. It was an elderly woman, and she was, thank God, not injured. It was totally my fault. Distracted. I did not run the stop sign, but looked right, then left, then took my checkbook out of my purse, glanced into the rearview mirror to make sure Mia was not climbing the fence at our house, and pulled in the road failing to check right again. I was crossing the road to go to the bank, and I hit the lady in the rear fender on the drivers side. I can’t find anything funny to say about this, because it still makes me cry to think about it. I was so worried about that lady, and still am. More about all that later.
I am supposed to be heading to the in-laws for Easter, but I am frozen in fear of driving on the highway with my 4 kids through San Antonio, given the week we have had. I mean, the Karma is just flooooooooooowing at our house this week.
I would rather just stay home, pad all the walls and nail the doors and windows shut.
****Update! As I was wrapping up my post at 5am, Quinn walked into the bedroom in a full blown croup/asthma attack. Lucky for me, we are in South Texas and I don’t need to do the whole shower/steam thing. I just open the back door and voila! a sauna is born. The problem is, a cold front made it’s way south because Chris told it to, and now all of our lovely humidity is gone and I no longer have a 24/7 croup tent in my backyard and must depend on the shower for steam today. The same shower that is plugged. Karma, baby.
